


Weak & Weary

by AmzingGay



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Childhood star AU, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, F/M, Friends With Benefits, M/M, Recreational Drug Use, Slow Burn, THE ONE YOU WANT IS ON THE COUCH DUDE, They will fall in love, alex is a moocher, alex is just sad, like okay these dumbasses are suppressing so much shit, maybe???, thomas is sad and drunk
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-07
Updated: 2017-02-14
Packaged: 2018-09-07 01:04:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,266
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8777035
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AmzingGay/pseuds/AmzingGay
Summary: "tj was like. a famous kid bc he was in kraft mac n cheese commercialsbut he's not famous rly anymore and no one knows him as anything more than the kid from the commercialsanyway hes rich and hamilton mooches off him" for @lauwurens





	1. Chapter 1

_On this episode of TMZ: Thomas Jefferson was spotted yesterday walking down 5th avenue with his new boy toy, businessman and heart throb, James Madison. Former face for Kraft Mac N Cheese, this beloved childhood actor has not been on the screen professionally since his early teens. Thomas Jefferson may not be acting, but he sure as hell has not let himself go. Thomas and James were seen exiting several stores-_

  
“Are you really fucking James?” Alex inquired loudly down the hallway, “And where did they get yet another shirtless photo of you? For all the clothes you own you would think you would wear them more often.” He turned to see Thomas emerging from his room and throwing Alex a withering glare. “Hey, don’t give me that look. I heard it on the news that-”

 

  
“TMZ is not reliable news.” Thomas sighed, making his way towards the kitchen.

 

  
“In my book, it is.” Alex turned back towards the T.V. “I’m just asking so I won’t interrupt your horizontal tango with him. You know, you can give a guy a warning when you’re coming back with a hole to-” Thomas chucked a bag of chips at the back of his head. Alex glared at Thomas while retrieving them. _Barbecue_ , Alex hummed with content, _at least he throws thing I like at my skull_.

 

  
“I’m not fucking James.” Thomas plopped onto the couch with a huff. “We’re going into business together,” he mumbled, before shoving a fistful of popcorn into his mouth.

  
“What? Are you gonna be his secretary or something?” Thomas threw a fistful of popcorn at his face.

  
“Shut up dumbass.” There wasn’t any heat behind it.

  
“Hey, I’m the smartest in the room.” Alex grinned.

  
“You are the smartest dumbass I know.” Thomas added.

  
“Hardy har har, you are hilarious, you should become a comedian or something. It still doesn’t make any sense, though.” Alex rose from the couch, heading towards the kitchen. “But seriously, why does he want you?” He continued as he grabbed a soda from the fridge.

 

  
“Hey, grab me one too. He wants to publish some music lesson C.Ds and wants me to be the instructor.” Thomas offered simply with a shrug. Alex pressed the can onto Thomas’s forehead, which he graciously accepted, and Alex took back his place on the couch. “Thanks. It’s not much, but I could use some solid work. It pays well and James and I get along fine enough”

 

  
“Yeah, you two get along wonderfully.” Alex wiggled his eyebrows and Thomas slapped his arm.

 

  
“You’re despicable. Why the hell do I let your mooching ass stay?” Thomas huffed. Alex laughed and draped himself across his lap dramatically.

 

  
“You wound me, darlin’,” Alex mustering the cheesiest southern accent possible, “Don’t ya love me?” Alex batted his eyelashes up at Thomas, pouting. Thomas' face flushed dark. He quickly averted his gaze and stood up. Alex rolled off of Thomas’ lap and landed face first on the carpet with an _oof_. When he lifted his head, Thomas was already heading for his room.

 

  
“What the fuck, dude?!” Alex yelled, slightly irritated, but laughing regardless. “Thomas- Thomas, c’mon, I’m sorry! Don’t be upset.” Thomas reemerged with sunglasses and keys in hand.

 

  
“I have to go out.” Thomas was already opening the door.

 

  
“Where are you going?”

 

  
“Uh, work emergency.”

 

  
“Right... well okay, just text me if you’re bringing back a fuc-” The door slammed shut, and Alex burst out into laughter again. Thomas was flustered so easily. He loved it. Alex grabbed his phone and texted John, not wanting to be alone.

 

  
To John L: I’m coming over. Be there in 10.

  
Received: Hi Alex, how are you? Do you have the notes from the 12th for Econ? I’m having a great day, oh how I miss conversing with you!

  
Received: ^^^^ That is what our conversations would look like if you were a normal friend.

  
To John L: Yeah whatever, bts.

  
Received: Fine.

 

  
~~~~~~~~~

 

  
Alex walked into the building they- no, Thomas lived in, and Alex crashed at. He always felt uncomfortable walking into the lobby alone. The soft music playing, the white marble and gold detail, the large arching ceilings, the snotty bellhop; they all belonged there. But Alex? He stuck out, and everyone knew. He remembers one night coming home particularly late after going several nights without sleeping because of studying for school. He came stumbling in, and the front desk called security to escort him out. He’d explained that he stayed with Thomas Jefferson and didn’t have the key on him, but Thomas was expecting him. They’d informed him that Thomas had left hours ago, and Alex would not be allowed in until Thomas was there. He called and called and called Thomas, but no answer. He walked around the streets that night. He had nowhere to go; John was back home down south, Laf and Herc were visiting Hercules’ family in Ireland, Burr was with Theodosia. He had nowhere to go, so he’d headed to a common spot for him. When he’d reached the homeless shelter, they’d informed him they were full for the night, and he could try again tomorrow. He’d ended up sleeping in an alley by Thomas’s apartment building. Thomas came home early next morning, obviously hungover, to find a pathetic Alexander standing in the lobby, disheartened by last night's embarrassment, and a very irritated front desk worker. Rushing towards Alexander, he told the front desk that Alex was allowed in, and Thomas threatened to sue the building if anything like this ever happened again, He didn’t tell Thomas where he slept that night and many nights before, and he never would tell Thomas because it was his problem and his alone. Sure, there’s his friends, who would let him stay for as long as possible, but Alex never stayed more than a couple nights with them. He never wanted to feel like a burden.

  
Thomas was a different story, though. He never felt like a burden to Thomas. Well, correction, he did; he just didn’t care that he could possibly be inconveniencing him in any way. He also knew Thomas was lonely. He has all this money, and all this space, but no one to share it with. Thomas needed Alex just as much as Alex needed him. He really did want to give him some space, looking for places on his own and applying at every job he could, but he lacked the funds for a downpayment and the experience for the job. Minimum wage at the Paul’s Tool Shop doesn’t exactly cover basic living expenses, let alone an apartment in New York city. Going to school and working left him very little time for sleep but it was well worth it. He would get through this; he would persevere.

  
Alex smiled as the elevator door finally opened up on Jefferson’s floor. He grabbed the key hanging around his neck. “ _So you can always have it when you need it._ ” Thomas had said. He smiled fondly at the few genuinely kind moments he has had with Thomas, and flung the door open. Thomas sat on the couch, head thrown back and mouth open, panting, with James kneeling between his legs, Thomas’s dick in his mouth and his fingers tightened in his hair. Alex felt the blood drain from his face.

  
He let out a strangled noise like a cat in a blender, gaining the attention of the two other men. For a single second no one moved, no one breathed, just staring. Suddenly everyone was yelling and moving at once. Alex was covering his eyes, James grabbed his jacket and ran for the bathroom.

  
“Shit, Alex!” Thomas grabbed the throw pillow to cover his erection. “I thought you were staying at John’s tonight!” Alex shook his head violently, pressing his palms into his eyes and genuinely hoping his eyeballs would pop.

  
“Nope, I was most definitely coming back here.” Alex felt like he was going to be sick.

  
“Alex, look at me.”

  
“I do not want to see your boner, Thomas.”

  
“Alex.” Thomas is not in the mood for jokes it looks like.

  
“I thought you weren’t fucking,” Alex mentioned bitterly. He didn’t know why he was so bothered by this.

  
“Well, technically we weren’t, and we technically aren’t now. Things change, Alex.”

  
“Don’t be a smartass! Why couldn’t you just tell me the truth?!” Alex felt the anger rise in his chest.

  
“I had no intention of fucking James, it just… happened.”

  
“On the couch though, really? We eat there, I sleep there, damn it!” Alex flailed his hands haphazardly towards the couch.

  
“What can I say? James knows what he wants and won’t settle till he has it.” Thomas smirked at the memory of a few moments earlier, Alex groaned in disgust.

  
“I can’t believe you, you prick!” Alex bit out.

  
“Hey! This is my home and you’re just some uninvited guest! Why the fuck are you here anyway?” Alex bit his lip and met Thomas’s eyes.

  
“I don’t know, why am I here?” Alex said quietly. Thomas’s face fell, tension melting off his shoulders.

  
“Alex, I’m sorry.” Thomas reached for Alex with his free hand but he avoided the gesture.

  
“No, no, I get it. I’ve overstayed my welcome.”

  
“Alex you don’t have to go, c’mon, don’t be like that. I’ll send James home-”

  
“No it’s okay, I’m going to go. Go back to fucking James, I’ll see you later.” Alex turned on his heels and walked unceremoniously out the door. He felt tears sting his eyes as he practically ran out of the building to Saint Mary’s homeless shelter. He knew it was most likely full, but it didn’t hurt to try. When he arrived he was told the expected, - here was no room left that night. The nuns offered some food which he gratefully accepted, and he made his way towards his usual spot behind a dumpster next to a bodega. Alex devoured the PB&J they handed out, and found a dirty rag to use as a pillow. He thought of Thomas, how much he cared about him. He thought of his parents, how they’d left him all alone. He thought of every foster home he’d been in, he thought about finally escaping the system and getting a scholarship for a small community college with no dorms and ended up homeless as a result. Alex felt the tears roll down his cheeks as he thought how unfair life was. He didn’t want to share Thomas, he wanted a home with him. He would go job hunting tomorrow, he promised himself. He watched the occasional pedestrian and the cars, revealing himself to the world if anyone cared to look. This was where he belonged. _Home Sweet Home_ , Alex thought bitterly. He fell asleep to the images of Thomas flashing through his brain.


	2. Chapter 2

“Pick up, pick up, pick up…” Thomas called Alex’s phone for the tenth time in the past two hours. Thomas is no stranger to Alexander getting upset, throwing a tantrum, and storming out; but this was different. Alex's face looked so broken, the fire in his eyes died and he looked… empty. He’s never seen him like that, he’s never seen Alex look so defeated. Thomas shook his head and focused back in on the call.

 

“Hey! This is Alex Hamilton, I couldn’t make it to the phone but-” Thomas let out a frustrated growl and went to go grab his keys and sunglasses, deciding if Alex was going to act like a petulant child and ignore him, he would have to go get him. Thomas threw the door open to find a very disgruntled Alexander; his undereye circles are impossibly darker, his hair greasy and in a haphazard bun, mouth fixed in a firm line, and eyes piercing Thomas’ with contempt. Thomas immediately started bombarding him with questions as Alex pushed past Thomas and towards the kitchen.

 

“Where the hell have you been, why haven't you answered my calls?!”

 

“I was out. My phone died,” Alex states simply like it was no big deal. Alex pulled a water from the fridge, drinking it desperately.

 

“Out? Well, you weren't with John, I called him he said he hasn't seen you since yesterday afternoon. Where the hell did you go?” Thomas felt his anxiety building in his chest.

 

“I have other friends.”

 

“You can’t just disappear like that.”

 

“Just drop it, Thomas.” Alex pulls out his phone and plugs it into the charger on the counter, “How was James?” He bite out, face contorting into disgust.

 

“He left. That was a mistake, it didn’t mean anything. He doesn’t mean anything, it shouldn't have happened. Alex, I’m sor-”

 

“Why are you apologizing? I'm just some uninvited guest, I don't care who you fuck, Thomas.” His phone turns on, being on the charger just enough, and Alex immediately starts typing, avoiding Thomas’ gaze.

“Alex, you know that’s not what I meant.” Thomas reaches for his arm but Alex shrugs away from him. Alex phone pings with a notification and before Thomas could stop him he was heading for the door.

 

“Alexander, wait!” Alex freezes at the use of his full name, Thomas makes his way behind him and touches his arm lightly, inching his way closer into the smaller man's personal space until his body was caressing his. “Alex… don’t go, you’re not an uninvited guest, you’re…” Thomas could smell his cologne, cheap and faded from yesterday, but it still made Thomas stomach flutter and his heart warm. He bent his head slightly, ghosting his lips over the crown of Alex’s head, closing his eyes and damning the world for making everything so complicated. Alex was incredibly tense under Thomas touch but he made no move to pull away, waiting for Thomas to finish his thought. His mind swirled with words, phrases, paragraphs, novels, but nothing could possibly define Alexander and what he meant to Thomas. He meant so much more than Thomas was willing to admit. “You’re Alex,” he whispered finally, resting his forehead on the back of the smaller man's head.

 

They stood like that for what felt like hours but was most likely was only a minute or two. Alex had one hand on the door handle, but his body leaned into the heat of Thomas’. Thomas wanted to hug him, wrap him in his arms and never let him go, but Alex turned and took a step forward, meeting Thomas’ eyes for the first time that day. His eyes were wet and he was chewing on his bottom lip, worry lines creasing his forehead as he stared. Thomas tried to move closer but Alex placed a hand lightly on his chest, shaking his head.

 

“I… I can’t do this right now. I need to some space, away from you, away from this place. I’m going to John’s house tonight.” Thomas felt anger boil in his chest, he didn’t do anything wrong why was Alex playing like he was some victim. He backed away from Alex’s touch laughing bitterly. What was he expecting from Alex, it’s not like he could change their relationship, it was strictly quid pro quo. Alex gets a place to stay and Thomas… what does Thomas gain from this relationship? “Thomas?” Alex calls quietly and Thomas snaps from his train of thought and turns back to Alex, eyes narrowing.

 

“Fine, go be with your stupid boyfriend, like I care.” Thomas snarls. Thomas knows he’s being immature but he can’t help it, why can’t Alex see how much he cares? Hurt flashes over Alex featured before rage set in.

 

“You-” Alex stalks forward and shoves a finger in Thomas' chest, “-are a real dick, you know that?”

 

“You’re one to talk, sweetheart,” Thomas drawled. Thomas turns his back on Alex again, he was tired and he felt a migraine coming on. He felt a sharp pain as something collided with his back, landing on the floor with a thud.

 

“Did you really just throw a fucking shoe at me?! Honestly, what are you, five?!” Thomas hissed, watching as  Alex stood there, lip quivering, holding the matching shoe to the one on the ground. He flung it at Thomas' face with a shout, Thomas barely ducking out of the way.

 

“Fuck you!-” He bent down and threw a pair of dress shoes at Thomas’ head, the heel of one of the shoes nailing him in the temple, “- I am so tired of dealing with your-” he threw a book and clipped Thomas in the shoulder, “-fucking attitude, Thomas!-” subsequently running out of things to throw at Thomas, Alex turns on his heels and storms out the door. Shaking with rage, Thomas flings open the door open to see Alex making his way towards the elevator.

 

“You’re fucking insane!” He screams from his doorway, neighbors be damned.

 

“At least I’m not some washed up low life with a god complex!”

 

“That’s rich coming from a poor bastard!” Thomas screamed. That was a low blow and he probably went too far, but he was lost in anger.

 

“Get fucked, you pissant!” With that Alex escaped into the elevator, flicking Thomas off as the door closed shut. Thomas slams the door and begins pacing angrily back and forth, his vision hazy with rage, before picking up a chair and throwing it at a wall. The chair shatters into pieces, splinters sprinkling the floor, and a hole is left in the drywall, but he doesn’t care anymore. Alex has no reason to be upset, he should be _thankful_ that Thomas even gives a shit about his safety. Thomas made his way to the kitchen, pulling out a bottle of whiskey from the liquor cabinet and taking a swig directly from the bottle before pulling out his phone. He scrolls through his contacts for someone, anyone to warm his bed.

 

“Chris, Aaron, Mike, Cody...” he pauses, Yeah, Cody will do.

 

**To Cody:** Come over

 

**Received:** sure

 

Thomas took another swig, wanting to drown in his sorrows, forget about Alexander, forget about the ache in his chest.

 

\---

The stench of booze and sex fill the air. Thomas sat on the bed, one hand holding the now half empty whiskey bottle the other running through Cody’s hair as he sucks his dick. He pushes his hair back so he can look at his face, watching as he dips slowly up and down on Thomas’ cock, looking up at him through his lashes. Cody obviously enjoying the attention, speed up his bobs and licking with just a little too much effort, but it was alright. Thomas let out a little moan, playing the part and encouraging him, he wasn’t enjoying it but it was far from the worst blowjob he’s had. Thomas took another swig of whiskey, enjoying the burn in his throat and the heat spreading through his veins. He nudges Cody with the bottle and he pulls off his dick with a _pop_ , opening his mouth for Thomas to pour a shot in. Thomas watches as some of the whiskey rolls down his chin and falls onto the sheets. Cody laughed, raising himself up so he can capture Thomas in a kiss. Thomas focuses more on the taste of whiskey in his mouth than the kiss itself, licking his way through like he could get even more intoxicated by the kiss, but it seemed to satisfy Cody.  Cody pulls back and starts placing kisses along Thomas’ jaw, working his way down his neck and chest.

 

“It’s been awhile-” he bites Thomas’ hip, “-since you’ve called me. I’ve missed this,” he purrs, licking the spot he bite.

 

“Yeah,” Thomas says lamely, because what can he say? Cody takes him back in his mouth and Thomas throws his head back and closes his eyes. He thinks about Alex, how he was so angry with him, how he screamed and fought, how he leaned into Thomas’ touch, how it would feel to hold Alex, to kiss him, to fuck him senseless into the sheets while Alex pants his name.

 

A moan pour from his lips, bucking into the smaller man’s mouth. Cody is caught off guard and splutters a little, but quickly gathers himself. Thomas looks at him, studying him. _He does look like Alex, same skin tone, same nose…_ Thomas grips Cody’s hair and lowers him further onto his cock, slowly fucking his face. Cody moans, vibrating around him, and Thomas imagines what Alex would have done. Would he like it if he pulled his hair? Would he beg for it? Thomas moaned again, speeding up his thrust. He feels himself getting close, Thomas slams down the bottle on the nightstand, pulls out of Cody’s mouth. In one fluid motion flips their positions, pushing the younger man on his back, hovering over him. He looks up at Thomas with glazed eyes and swollen lips, spit on his chin. Damn, he wonders how Alex would look beneath him. Raven hair fanned out on the pillows, sapphire eyes piercing his, moaning and clutching Thomas shoulders as he thrust into him. Thomas grabs the lube from the bedside drawer and lowers himself between his legs. Cody gasps, Thomas has never done this for him before, never prepped him himself, only ever watched as Cody worked himself open, only wanting to fuck. Thomas warms the lube with his palms before slowly working Cody open with a single finger, watching the younger boy. He was teasing him, Thomas knew he would be patient, unlike Alex. Alex would curse his name, fuck back onto his fingers and threaten to leave if he did get on with fucking him already. But this wasn’t Alex, this will never be Alex. He works the boy up to three fingers before he’s ripping open a condom wrapper with his teeth and rolling it on.

 

Kneeling, he lifts the younger man up, holding him close to his chest as Cody wraps his legs around his hips, resting on Thomas’ thighs. Thomas has one arm around Cody’s waist the other planted firmly on the wall in front of him. Thomas lowers Cody down onto his dick, biting the smaller man's shoulder to muffle his moan. He and doesn’t wait to see if he’s comfortable before he’s fucking him at a ruthless pace. Thomas thinks of Alexander again, his passion, his goddamn mouth, everything about him drives Thomas wild. Thomas feels the heat coil inside him and he quickens his thrust, trying to imagine the whines and moans Cody was emitting were Alex’s. The bed creaks with each thrust and rocks into the wall with a thump, over and over again. He thinks of Alex watching him as they fuck, never taking his eyes off of him, watching him as he fucks him, moaning unabashedly and Thomas muffling his moans with a kiss. Alex, Alex, _Alex_ -

 

Thomas cums with the shout, riding out his orgasm with a few weak thrusts. Before Thomas is out of his post-coital euphoric state, Cody is pushing him off.

 

“What the fuck was that?” He hisses, searching for his pants.

 

“That, I believe, is what humans call sex.” He grins up at Cody, “Cmon you didn’t even cum yet, let me-” Thomas reaches for the younger man but he slaps it away.

 

“Who the fuck is Alex?” Oh.

 

“Cody…” Thomas tapers off, he doesn’t know what to say. He can’t meet Cody’s gaze, guilt clawing up his throat, leaving a metallic taste in his mouth.

 

“You said Alex as you fucked me.  Is that why you called me? Because this Alex is too good for you? Wouldn’t fuck you? Wouldn’t love you and hold your pathetic ass? I’m not a goddamn stand in for anyone, you piece of shit.” Cody was tearing up and Thomas truly did feel bad.

 

“Hey, cmon lets talk this out.” Thomas followed Cody out into the living room, watching him put on his shoes quickly.

 

“Maybe I should thank this Alex guy for saving me so much time because I’m not going to be wasting it on you anymore.” Thomas watches as a tear rolls down his cheek, and he can’t help but laugh because only moments ago was it whiskey rolling down his chin, laughing and happy. It’s funny how Thomas always hurts people. Cody stares at him, furious, “You think this is funny, Thomas?”

 

“Shit! No, Cody, you got it wrong, I-” Thomas scrambles forward for Cody, but he ignores him and stalks towards the door. Cody turns and gives Thomas the same dreadful look Alex gave him earlier, and Thomas can’t help but see how similar looking Cody and Alex really are. And now they both hate him.

 

“You know, you’re a real dick, Thomas.”Cody spat before slamming the door. Thomas sighs, closing his eyes and rubbing his face with his hands roughly,

 

“Yeah, so I’ve heard.” Thomas confesses to an empty room, alone again.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WOWIE I am sorry I've been gone so long, life has been a little hectic with lesson plans, projects, and prom (holy crap prom!). This chapter is an insight to John and ALexs complicated relationship, and I changed my writing style a little bit, not too much but its different. This is also Alex's POV, it will switch between Alex and Thomas mostly (hopefully, that's the plan at least). Tell me what you guys think!
> 
> Again Comments and feedback @ham-for-ham is always greatly appreciated!
> 
> TW: recreational drug use

Alex bursts into John’s apartment, not bothering to knock. John looks up from his medical textbook, only quirking an eyebrow at the disturbance.

 

“Hello to you too, Alex.” John sets down his textbook, stands up, and walks over to the door Alex burst through, inspecting the wall the door swung into. John let out a small groan and rubbed the wall where a scuff now resided, “Dammit, Alexander! You know I have to pay for any damages done to the apartment, right? Can’t you just be fucking normal and knock, or at least not slam shit? This has gotten out of control, this is the third time this year you’ve-”

 

“You. Clothes. Off. Now.” Alex cutting him off, having already taken off his shirt and now working on his pants. John stares for a moment, before nodding quickly and making his way towards Alex.

 

“Yeah, okay, yeah I’ll do that.” John stripped his shirt off and started hopping on one foot, trying to get his jeans off as fast as possible. He slips and stumbles into Alex, laughing before pulling him into a kiss. Alex focuses on John’s velvet lips, the way John kisses him so softly, and delicately. Probably the opposite of Thomas. Johns' lips are nothing like Thomas’; Thomas’ lips are big and plump, a smirk permanently residing on those delectable lips. Those lips that always have a comeback right behind them, covering perfect straight, white teeth and a devilish tongue. God that tongue could probably do wonderful things- wait. Why is he thinking about Thomas? John nips at his bottom lip and Alex is snapped back into reality, letting John slide his tongue into his mouth. Alex guides John’s hand up his chest, begging for some contact.

 

“Touch me, hit me, pull my hair; God I don’t care what you do, just fucking touch me,” Alex growls, gripping one hand into John’s curls and tugging hard. John gasps before looking back at Alex, eyes going impossibly dark with lust. Johns hands transition from Alex’s chest to his ass and lifts Alex up with ease, cupping and kneading his ass, abandoning Alex mouth to go to work on his neck. Alex lolls his head back lets out a breathy moan, scraping his nails across John’s shoulders.

 

John gives tiny hickeys, aiming more for quantity than size, placing nips along his pulse.  _ I bet Thomas gives deep, dark hickeys, working on them till I’m practically begging him to stop, to fuck me already. I bet he puts them right under my jaw, or right above my collarbone, somewhere where it’s impossible to hide. Deep, blooming hickeys that showed everyone who owned me, who I belonged to.  _ Alex moans at the thought, grinding into the mass between his legs. Alex is tossed onto the bed and it’s not until he looks up and sees it’s actually John stripping off his boxers at the edge of the bed and not Thomas does he realize what his subconscious was thinking about. John gets his underwear off with a little cheer and a fist pump, jumping onto the bed and rolling onto Alex. He places languid kisses on his jaw, working his way down to his navel.

 

“You know,” John mumbles against Alex’s skin, “you seem very tense Mr. Hamilton, can I help you in any way?” John smirks up at Alex. He doesn’t reply, just grinds up, hoping John understands that he doesn’t want to talk right now and that he should hurry up. Alexander wants to forget the train of thought that just took place, it  _ had  _ to be the stress making him think like that. Yeah, that's it, the stress of the fight and the technically not having a place of residence causing his brain to plug in weird stand-ins for more ideal patrons, like that one time at a sleepover he remembers the group waking up to Hercules moaning Steve Buscemi's name. Hercules denies it to this day, but the rest of the group knows the truth.

 

John doesn’t hurry, he actually slows down, moving towards his inner thigh to get to work on another dozen hickeys. Alex groans in frustration and closes his eyes, thinking about anything but Thomas. What was his problem anyway? It’s not like it was him walking in on Alex having sex in the fucking living room or accusing him of dating his best friend. He opens one eye to peer down at John making his way towards his groin, okay maybe that wasn’t that far off. But what he and John have is different, it’s the definition of friends with benefits. Alex gasps as John starts mouthing his hardening dick through his briefs, and Alex finds his hand caressing the back of John’s head in encouragement to keep going. And what the hell was that back there in the doorway, anyway? Thomas thinks he can be a dick and fuck anyone he pleases, then turn around and pull that shit with Alex? Acting like he cares about Alex, brushing his lips across his head, making him feel  _ wanted _ . Damn it, he’s such a fool. How did he let this happen, thinking maybe someone could care for the real him. He’s so stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid...

 

“Ow...ow...OW!” John pulls back from Alex grip in his hair, “I know I told you I like it when you pull my hair but I also really enjoy having it. Jeez, Hamilton, are you trying to give me a bald spot? It’s fine, I’m- Oh shit, are you cryin’?” John freezes as Alex squeezes his eyes shut and shakes his head furiously, rubbing the heel of his palm roughly across his cheeks, trying desperately to stop the flood. John sits back on his heels as Alex sits up and curls his knees into his chest, still refusing to meet John’s gaze. John crawls around to sit next to Alex, rubbing his arm in small soothing strokes.

 

“I’m so stupid, John. I’m so fucking stupid.” Alex hiccuped between sobs.

 

“Hey, hey now, you’re not stupid, babe.” John wraps an arm around his shuddering shoulders, and Alex tucks his face into the crook of John’s neck. “Why don’t you tell me what’s bothering you?”

 

“I fucked up, he hates me!” Alex cried into John's necks and John shushes him.

 

“Who? Tommy? Tommy is incapable of hating you. It’s his DNA.” John nudges Alex, offering him a small smile.

 

“He kicked me out,” Alex said softly.

 

“Did he really kick you out, or did you just walk away indignantly like the stubborn hothead you are?” Alex stayed quiet, pursing his lips petulantly. “Yeah, that’s what I thought.” John unwraps himself from Alex and gets up, sliding on his boxers, making his way towards his closet. Alex watches shuffle around his closet, still sniffling but the tears having ceased.

 

“He won’t take me back after this,” Alex mumbles, twisting his hair in thought. He did say some really mean things.  _ He called me a worthless bastard,  _ Alex reasoned in his head,  _ and while he’s not wrong, it still hurts. _

 

“Sure he will! He’s taken you back after worse things. Remember when you burnt holes into every single article of clothing he had because he, and I quote, ‘had the audacity of an uneducated cum covered sock to put fucking ketchup on his Mac n cheese, the disgusting privileged asshat’? The fact he didn't skin you alive and make your skin into shoes and a belt to match is beyond me.” John says, not turning away from the box. Alex smiled at the memory, Thomas blanched and tackled Alex, putting him in a headlock for several minutes before giving up and trying to fix every hole, but he gave up on that also and forced Alex to go shopping with him for 8 hours as punishment. “And you know what helps me when I’m feeling down?” John stands and faces Alex, holding wrapping paper, cigars, and a bong in one hand and a jar of weed in the other, wearing a goofy grin, “Getting high!”

 

“Of course it does.” Alex laughs.

 

“Hey, it’s great for your mental health.” John straightened his posture, getting slightly defensive.

 

“Uh… source?”Alex watches as John scrounges for one of his many lighters.

 

“John Laurens, fifth-year medical student.” John stands proudly, clutching a lighter. Alex rolls his eyes.

 

“Fine, lets smoke. But you need to order food first.” Alex points an accusatory finger at John, and John mocks offense.

 

“I have never forgotten to provide food!” John clutches his chest and follows Alex to the living room.

 

“Yes, you have. Last time you only had a pack of monster, Adderall, and a couple of frozen chicken nuggets you found at the bottom of your freezer.” Alex picks up his shirt that was hanging off a lamp, pulling it over his bare chest.

 

“And they were delicious. A meal for kings.” John states, placing the bong down on the table.

 

“Yeah whatever you say, now go before I go smoke with someone else, someone who is of much better company.”

 

“Oh, you wound me, Alexander. Okay, I’ll order food if you explain why you started blubbering while I mouthed your dick.” John turned on his laptop.

 

“I was not blubbering.” Alex scuffed.

 

“The snot on my shoulder says otherwise. You gotta let it out, Hammy, you promised no more secrets between us. Alex grimaced, he did promise that and he already broke it, damn.

 

“Okay, I’ll explain but you need to get the food ordered so we can smoke, ‘cause there is no way I’m explaining this sober.”

 

\----

 

“I don't know, John,” Alex took a long drag from the blunt, focusing on the feeling of the smoke filling his lungs with a dull burn. Closing his eyes, he hopes the smoke would fall before his eyes so he would no longer have to face anyone or anything. He wants the haze to engulf him until he's nothing more than prayer falling on apathetic ears. God, he's tired, so fucking tired of this game he plays with Thomas; one moment there holding each other like they were each others anchor to reality, the next they're screaming at one another till throats are raw and someone leaves, no one being left unharmed.

 

He exhales slowly, savoring as much of the hit that he can, the buzz already steadily growing behind his eyes and at the tip of his fingers. He opens his eyes to find John studying him, watching him mentally undo Alexander and put him back together again. He passes the blunt back to John, who greedily takes it, Alex shaking his head in defeat. 

 

“I don't know what it is about him, maybe it's the tone he uses with me, but something about him causes me to lose all self-control. He's a match and I'm gasoline; any friction between us and everything goes up in flames.” Alex demonstrates the explosion with his hands, mimicking the sound of a bomb. John nods slowly as he lights the blunt again, cheeks hollowed as he inhales the smoke like it's the last breath he’ll take. Alex giggles at John's expression, the tranquility, and content of the hit flooding his face. John draws his lips into an O and taps his cheek as he blows little rings into the air, the halos dancing over Alex’s head. He watches them attentively, as they slowly dissipate into thin air, leaving nothing behind but a memory. John doesn't answer for a moment, focusing more on the blunt in his hand than addressing Alex’s statement.

 

“Well,” John drawled out slowly after several minutes, and Alex suppresses a giggle at John’s thick accent. John's accent always becomes thicker when he smokes. Passing the blunt back to Alex who is desperate to take another hit, chasing the high and running away from his problems at the same time.  _ Two birds, one stone  _ he thinks, chuckling. “you guys have two options.” He holds up his pointer finger, demanding Alex look at him. Alex quirks an eyebrow at his seriousness but says nothing, just blows the smoke back in John's face who closes his eyes in frustration, the smoke rolling off his freckled cheeks and, after the onslaught is over, looks at Alex wearily.

 

“One: you drop him from your life, never interact with him again. Move on with your life.” Alex give John a pained look, John making it sound so simple when he knows it's not. That Thomas was different. “Yeah, that's how I thought you’d react. So,” Alex takes another drag from the blunt, amused by John’s dramatic pause for effect: chin jutted forward, eyes piercing his, finger inches away from Alex’s face, mimicking the Uncle Sam ‘I want you!’ poster. They stare at eachother, a battle of wills, and Alex takes the blunt from his mouth, waiting patiently with mock-intent playing his face for John's advice. Then John leans back, smiling sweetly, patronizing, like it's elementary what he's about to say, fingers spread in pseudo-revelation, “Y’all need to fuck it out.”

 

Alex chokes, smoke puffing out of him like a broken smoke machine at a run-down haunted house.

 

“What?!” Alex manages to choke out between coughs, John rubbing his back sympathetically until Alex calmed down enough that he did not have to worry about Alex oxygen intake.

 

“You know; alleviate some tension. The only way to mend your-” John waves his hand in the air with some vague insight, “I guess what y'all have can be called a partnership, maybe even a relationship on a good day, is to fuck.” John says with finality like he's solved the meaning of the universe and was explaining the epiphany to a small child. Alex stared back at him dumbly, too shocked for a moment to even form a rebuttal.

 

“I would never, in a million years, fuck Thomas Jefferson.” Alex watches John roll yet another blunt, splitting open the cigar and carefully dumping the tobacco on the table.

 

“Sure Alexander, and I wouldn’t fuck Hemingway, given the chance.” John sprinkled a heavy line inside the paper with the precision of a machine, packing as much as he possibly could in the small space on the paper.

 

“He was a sexist alcoholic pig, Laurens.” Alex deadpanned.

 

“And he also has a delectable jaw line.” John gets to work on sealing the edges, running his tongue around the paper and, with the expertise of a seasoned veteran, rolled it tight between his thumb and forefinger.

 

“Should I be concerned that you used present tense?” Alex has never understood John's obsession with the blunt prick.

 

“Why are you so uncomfortable with even the idea of having sex with Thomas?” Ignoring Alex disparaging comment.

 

“I’m not uncomfortable with the idea, per se-”

 

“AHA!” John cuts him off, pointing the blunt at his face, “I knew it!”

 

“But,” Alex snatches the blunt from John’s hand and grabs the lighter off the table, “ Thomas is different. He’s always been different.” Alex tries to light the Bic lighter but his hands are shaking too bad, and John reaches up slowly and takes the lighter from him, lighting it. John watches Alexander take a drag, concern etching every feature. “I can’t lose Thomas.” Alex finally says, blunt hanging loosely from his fingers. John takes it from Alex’s hand and pulls him into his chest. It’s then that Alex realizes he had started to cry while explaining. John strokes Alex’s hair and hushes him, placing tender kisses at the top of his forehead.

 

“You and Thomas need to talk it out. You two can’t keep hurting each other like this.” John pushes Alex back to meet his eyes, and John runs his thumb over Alex’s cheek to wipe away the tears. “Stoner rule number 187: No one's allowed to be sad while smoking.” John gives Alex a crooked grin, obviously trying to cheer him up. Alex laughs and rubs his face.

“You’re right.” Alex reaches for the blunt on the table but John beats him to it.

 

“About which part? Y’all needing to talk, or no one allowed to be sad while high?” John mumbles around the cigar in his mouth.

 

“Both, even though I am positive you made up stoner rule.” Alex nudges John.

 

“The Stoner rules were founded by an elite club, Stoners Associated, back in 1968. It’s like the Illuminati, only a select few know of its existence. You should feel honored I’m sharing this information with you. I could be killed!”  John mimics his neck breaking; head cocked to the side, eyelids falling shut and tongue hanging out, making a “bleh” noise. Alex smacks John in the chest for joking about dying, but he’s laughing regardless at John’s antics.

  
“Yeah, sure, John.” Alex reaches for his phone and sees 12 missed calls from Thomas, and 23 unopened texts, all saying variations of the same thing: ‘I’m sorry, Alexander’. Alex puts down his phone,  _ later _ , he thinks. Right now he’s going to focus on spending some quality time with his best friend, and ignoring the pain settling in his stomach, like a caged crazed animal, scratching and gnawing its way out. Something deep, something he’s long suppressed into the dark, dusty corners of his mind is coming back up at full force. It will not be ignored and tucked away this time, it demands to be acknowledged. Alex feels it coming, like watching a freight train coming towards you. You know it’s dangerous, you know you will be obliterated beyond repair, and you knows it’s going to hurt so fucking bad when it hits you. But yet you sit there and watch because it’s just so damn mesmerizing you can’t move out of the way from the beautiful agony coming your way. Because your feet are nailed down to the rails just like the train tracks are, the big iron nails holding you in your place through the soles of your feet. But you have time, you’re safe for now, the train is still in the distance, and you can watch the sunlight reflect beautiful rays off the metal roof forming a shimmering sky, feel the rumble of the trains power in the soles of your feet getting stronger with each passing second, and listen to the roar of the engine grow in rage as the face of the train hurtles towards you and anticipate the moment you can kiss it’s forehead and tell it you love him. But it’s coming and it’s not going to stop, no matter how much you will it, he’s not going to stop. Alex’s not going to think about it right now, he’s not going to think about  _ him _ .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOW. Well, I hope y'all liked it! AnThe update will definitely be quicker this time, thank you guys for being so patient and being understanding. 
> 
> Yell at me on tumblr @ham-for-ham

**Author's Note:**

> Find me @ham-for-ham if y'all got questions/comments/ideas 
> 
> Love ya thanks for reading!


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